What Do You Do When Parenting Interferes With Sex?
Hi Doc Chaves,My sex life is down the tubes. My wife and I have two kids and
a newborn, all under the age of 4. The infant sleeps with us in our bed, the 3-year-old
in a crib in our bedroom, and the 4-year-old has her own room. I can’t even
remember the last time we had sex or even had time to ourselves to be intimate and we
never seem to touch or be close anymore. I just need a break. What to do?-
BradIt sounds like you’re personally starting up day care center at
your house. Three pregnancies in under five years at least tells me you’ve had some
sex. It’s quite common for the
parenting tasks to interfere with keeping the sexual flame lit and burning. What most
people struggle with is creating a routine and taking those first steps toward balancing
their roles as sexual partners with their roles as parents. First, consider
the environment you’ve created. It’s like Sesame Street in your room
and the kids almost outnumber the adults. Adults need their play space, too. Although I
don’t know many details about things such as the children’s health, your
living space, etc., it’s important to create and preserve your adult environment,
which may eventually include having the 3- and 4-year-olds become roommates. I’ve heard all the excuses: the kids fuss and cry when transitioning, they want
to sleep with/near mommy and daddy, they’re not ready, and so on. Part of parenting
is preparing them for the many changes and transitions life will offer and even nudging
them forward appropriately when they're resistant. Most kids crave structure. It’s
up to you to create that for them and they’ll usually adapt if it’s a gentle,
smooth transaction. Most parenting books dealing with separation anxiety describe
techniques and exercises on how to do this in a supportive manner. Now we're
down to one baby left in the adult room, and this baby will also need to find new
permanent roommates. Eventually, you will need to a create a separate space to allow the
parents their partner room. I have two words for you: bunk beds.Notice I
called your bedroom the “partner room.” You need to create that space
together and make it blossom. Sometimes it’s a safe space for a break, nap, some
recharge time, and other times it’s your intimate space for making love and
recapturing connection. There are going to be other aspects to consider with
sex
after pregnancy. Does she feel sexy if there were any changes to her body in addition
to any postpartum libido/hormonal changes? Also, your involvement in child rearing,
household chores and partner support are very important; take a look at yourself and what
you’re doing to see if there are ways to enhance your daddy and partner roles. Lastly, it’s always a good idea to communicate your needs, listen and
encourage her to voice her needs, and have an open dialogue about what can enhance your
lives as parents and partners. A good topic of conversation to consider is how you are
modeling affection and partner relationships to your children. Many adults who struggle
with intimacy, affection and attachment learned this through observing their parents. Set
a good example of parent/child boundaries and model loving and affectionate partner
intimacy. The kids will benefit from that more than you know.
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